How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I AM VODKA MAN
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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