There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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