Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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