dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
