Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
