I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
