My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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