God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
