Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
