I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
