I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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