It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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