Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
