Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
