So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
