I'm sorry my penis didn't work
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
