I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
