she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize