I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
