My liver just broke up with me...
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
