there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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