i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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