Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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