just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
There are leaves in my underwear?
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