The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize