i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
