Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
