oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
