Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
