My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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