Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
