I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize