When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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