I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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