I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
