Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
