I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize