Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
"it" just moved
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
