I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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