But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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