your parents love me but you hate me
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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