dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
