My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize