Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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