Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
