Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
