I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We need to get me chipped asap
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
