So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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