Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
