Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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