i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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