I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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