even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
