I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
