i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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