Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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