Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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